I am a Mom who yells…but I don’t want to be!

Natalie,

Everyone has a boiling point. Everyone gets frustrated. Even the best of moms lose it sometimes. I’ll admit it, I have been a mom who yells.

A couple weeks ago, I found myself hosting mommy summer camp with a sick baby and two other whinny ones. I knew we were stuck in the house and I was frustrated. It was beautiful out. My big kids wanted to go to the pool and so did I. The baby was really sick and only wanted to be held. My bigger kids were fighting with each other over every. little. thing. The oldest was whiny.

And then…Little Man spilled water all over his shirt. I told him not to worry it would dry. He was so whinny about his shirt being wet and he was pulling it and stretching it out. I totally lost it. I yelled. AND, I basically ripped the shirt off of his head taking half his face with it. I over reacted. I scared him. I actually scared myself.

It isn’t something that makes me proud. Actually, I am ashamed to admit that I did this. Most days I have more patience. There are no excuses. I just hope that this isn’t one of the memories that sticks.

Little Man went upstairs to change his shirt crying. I was teary. I couldn’t believe I yelled to the point of scaring him. What was wrong with me? Was this the type of mother I wanted to be? Just because everything was going wrong, just because I was stressed, did that make it OK? Did that make it better?

The simple answer is NO.

Now, what to do about it. I can’t just sit here and whine and complain. I am not going to accept that sometimes we just reach our breaking points (although it is true). I want to be better. I gave it a lot of thought and here is my attack plan and the results over the last few weeks:

1. Siblings fight, but you can fight back!
Yes, yes they do. I want them to be best mates, but as it turns out this doesn’t always work. Instead of getting frustrated or involved. I have have done two things: 1. ignore them until is either sounds like someone might get hurt or the noise level is too much to bear. They often work it out–one way or another. 2. If it gets out of hand, punish them together. I made a new rule. You can’t get along? Then you both have to sit on the stairs — and hold hands. It is the holding hands that really gets them.

sibling_fight_solutions

Those who fight together get punished together

2. I am not telling you more than once.
This is a big frustration for me. So I formed my attack plan. I tell them and make sure they are looking at me (in the eyes!). This way, there is no reason they ‘didn’t hear me.’ Then I praise them for doing it right the first time. Just a simple thank you (again, looking them in the eyes) and maybe an I love you or Good Job. IF they don’t do as asked and a few minutes have past, then they are punished and the punishment fits the crime. Can’t pick up your toys when asked? They go on a high shelf for the rest of the day. Can’t decide what shoes to put on so we can leave the house? Mommy picks. You get the idea.

3. Who’s on first?
This is a HUGE problem in my house. Someone needs to be first to get in the car, out of the car, or go in the front door. If it is not being first then it is which color plate they get, which water bottle, etc. And if they don’t get what they feel like they deserve…its not fair. Somehow it is my problem to make it ‘fair.’ Well kiddos, life isn’t fair. Buck up. So I have started to say: You get what you get and you don’t get upset. And it works! We repeat regularly and so far there has been less whining over who gets what.

4. Take that show on the road. 
My kids can be loud. Little Man loves to sing and often gets songs stuck in his head. It drives me crazy. I must tell him to stop a million times a day and I feel a little guilty about it. I read this somewhere (I wish I could find it again to link to) and decided I would give it a try. After listening to it once or twice, I ask him to take that show on the road (aka, if you want to keep singing, go somewhere else!). This is a maybe for me, because he tends to sing the most at dinner and I can’t exactly tell him to go elsewhere then! Its a work in progress.

5. I can’t understand you.
Kids whine. They forget to say please or thank you. They speak to their parents rudely. Frankly, I’m not going to stand for it anymore! Anytime one of these things happen, I simply say: I can’t understand you when you speak like that OR Try asking again. This has been the most successful of my tips. My kids are getting the hang of it AND they are remembering before I say anything.

These experiments have really helped me over the last few weeks to gain control and maintain my cool. I don’t yell often, but there is always room for improvement. Thinking about my trigger points and coming up with ways to mitigate them has really helped me.

I think the most important lesson that I have learned over the years is to stick to my guns and always follow through. Your kids need to know that you mean business. I think that is part of the reason why these changes were easy for me to implement and that they worked so well. My kids know I mean what I say and although they test me every once in awhile, they know when they are crossing a line. It is never too late for follow through…kids adapt quickly!

I hope these tips can help you or someone you know!

Miss you,
Courtney

_____

If you enjoyed this post, check these out:

Battling Entitlement with Gratitude

Stay-at-Home Mom Myths

Tips for Traveling with Kids

 

13 thoughts on “I am a Mom who yells…but I don’t want to be!

  1. ctorosian says:

    I feel as though I could have written a similar story last week. I was on the verge of needing a mommy time out. I have three as well and I know this scenario all too well. It seems their mission sometimes to break us! Keep fighting the good fight. 😉 And thanks for the tips!

  2. Sarah says:

    Perfect timing. We are having such a difficult time with my 3 year old this week. Her behavior has gotten out of control. My husband and I decided to implement a few little things, some of which you mentioned. Only saying things once has really helped. I also tell her i do not listen to whinners. This evening was our best one since last week! I am going to try a couple of your other tips. Thanks!

    • momupsidedown5 says:

      Hi Sarah! I hope Courtney’s tips work well for you! We had a heck of a time with Bugaboo when she was about 3.5 years old! I was really at my wits end, but then I read Love and Logic, not every worked for us, but much of the basic method worked wonders! It really helped us turn our discipline and her behavior around, and the whole experience became a lot more positive! Good luck!

  3. Laura says:

    Thanks for your thoughts and for sharing-it’s so easy to see “perfect” moms (which don’t really exist!) and guilt yourself into a real pit of despair. We also have a big problem with the “me first” thing in our family, and I just wanted to share that what we do is this: whoever says it first automatically becomes last. So, for instance when J spouts out, “ME FIRST!” when we are serving dinner, he then becomes the very last to be served. Same thing for getting into the van, etc. Keep on keepin’ on!!

  4. val says:

    I love ‘take the show on the road’. As a child I loved to sing aloud (still do), and I had a stepmother that would tell me to stop, that I had a bad voice, no one wants to hear it, etc. It was a very mean way to handle it. It made me feel bad. This way of putting it is so much kinder. Thanks!

  5. Christina (@christinasadven) says:

    such good and practical ideas…and YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Gosh, this mothering thing is so hard!! It’s so easy to lose our cool when there’s very irrational little humans who need allllll of our energy 🙂 You’re doing a great job!!

  6. jenngal77 says:

    As a mother who can be short tempered, especially now beginning the teen years; I can relate to how you feel. I was a yeller. My son said I yelled too much and it really scared him. Ever since I’ve been conscious of when I do so and really work hard to breathe so I don’t yell. I pause first. It’s very difficult and you are not alone. I know you can get past it and it will get better. From a loving fellow mom and step-mom.

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