The following transcripts are from three, real-life, honest to God, conversations I recently had with my husband.
You’ll notice how the tone, um, degrades.
John: (Walks into room, speaks excitedly) “So over the weekend I noticed I was looking a little tubby, and I thought maybe I should cut back. Guess what, I’m down 5 pounds!”
Natalie: (With genuine enthusiasm) “That’s great, John.” (And then perplexed) “But I didn’t notice you eating differently, so how’d you do it???”
John: (Shrugs) “I’m not really sure. I thought about what I could cut, but I didn’t feel like I did much differently. I guess I must have and just not realized it!”
Natalie: (Exasperated, arms crossed) “So let me get this straight, you’re not sure what you did, or if you did anything, but four days ago you THOUGHT about losing weight, and today you’re 5lbs lighter???”
John: “Ha, I guess so!” (Pause. Looks at Natalie.) “What?!?”
Natalie: (Sardonically) “I’m trying to remember you’re someone I love…”
John: “Remember how I wanted to lose a few pounds?”
Natalie: (Cautiously) “Yeah.”
John: (Beaming) ‘Look!” (Holds out waist band) “I’ve lost like 20 pounds!”
Natalie: (Mouth open in disbelief) “But, three weeks ago you’d only lost 5!”
John: I know!
Natalie: But you’re still eating all the same stuff. (Shakes head, speaks softly, as if to self) You eat two bagels a day, with cream cheese! You, alone, rip through a pound of lunch meat and two packages of cookies each week. How the heck…”
John: “I know! It’s great!”
Natalie: “I don’t get it.”
John: “Maybe it’s because I’ve been running to get ready for that race.”
Natalie: (Screeches with exasperation.) “You’ve been twice!”
John: “Guess that’s all I need!”
Natalie: (With a flat affect) “Sometimes I hate you; just a little.”
John: (Smiles slyly) “I probably shouldn’t tell you this. It will probably cause you a lot of consternation…”
Natalie: (Sighs, but takes the bait.) “Why? What is it?”
John: (Chuckles maniacally) “I just weighed myself…”
Natalie: (Rolls eyes) “Let me guess, you’re down another 25 pounds?”
John: (Indigent) “No!” (Then brightly) “But I did lose 2.5 pounds over Christmas!” (Hugs Natalie from behind and whispers in ear.) “Aren’t you happy for me.”
***J is 6’2 and
185 182.5 pounds. He does not need to lose weight. Nor was he attempting to.***
Natalie: (Pushes away, playfully annoyed) How is that possible? How do you do that?
John: (Shrugs) “You bought Bud Light.”
John: “I don’t usually drink light beer. But that’s all we’ve had for the past two weeks. I guess it just saved me enough calories.” (Laughs and pops a chip in his mouth).
Natalie: (Crosses arms, speaks dryly) “So let me understand, you can double your cookie intake, increase your butter consumption, stuff your face with mashed potatoes, Yorkshire pudding and pastries. You can kill an ENTIRE apple pie. BY YOURSELF.” (Throws hands in the air, speaks mockingly) “But, so long as you drink light beer…”
John: (Laughs heartily, then teasing) “Maybe I should run a weight loss seminar. I could help a lot of people.”
Natalie: (Amused but trying to hide it) “You suck.”
So apparently, ladies, we’re doing it all wrong. But don’t worry, I have the secret formula, just for you!
In order to lose 22.5 pounds over the next 4 months, you only need to take these 5 steps.
1. Take a couple jogs
2. Drink two light beers a night
3. Watch endless hours of football (Evidently you can replace participating in exercise with watching others exercise and still see results; it’s a mind body connection thing)
4. Think REALLY hard about weight loss.
5. Eat whatever else you want, in whatever quantity you want.
Congratulations you are now skinny. Or a man…